Home is where the heart is

I'm coming off of a really great christmas that just exceeded my expectations. What's different this year is that I have Mikey and I've never felt the warmth and love of a family not your blood. I may have not been able to go to my home, but you know they say..."Home is where the heart is" and this is truly how I felt. In my heart it just felt right and I've never been one to believe in blessings. Lately, I can't help but to feel this way and I'd say I'm happy to be apart of the family.

Mikey had a great Christmas and he got to meet all of his cousins but one (we miss you Maddy). They just ate him up and it warmed my heart to see how in love they were with him, just as I am. He truly is a blessing and the best thing that could have happened to me. So we just spent the weekend enjoying each other. I also was lucky enough that I got to see my granny, uncle and brother. On the last day I was a bit sad though because I had been away from Mikey all day and I was getting a bit anxious. But I'm so glad I had the chance to see him. It had been 2 years since the last visit and he was so happy to have us there.

And now that the holidays are almost over I will be able to post more. I also of course cannot wait to get back on program and start tracking again. I'm really really anxious to drop this last 30lbs and once I stop nursing it should get somewhat easier as I will be able to drop my calories to where they need to be for the weightloss I am expecting.

So I'm super excited about starting 2010 and all the new wonderful things I have to look forward to and I hope you all are too.

2010 is the year for NO EXCUSES!! Let's do it!!

Wordless Wednesday..

"Angel of mine"

"Angel Of Mine"

When I first saw you I already knew

There was something inside of you

Something I thought I would never find

sweet Angel of Mine

I look at you, lookin' at me

Now I know why they say the best things are free

I'm gonna love you, 'cus you're right on time

sweet Angel Of Mine

How you've changed my world you'll never know

I'm different now, you helped me grow

You came into my life sent from above

When I lost all hope you showed me love

I'm checkin' for you and you're right on time

sweet Angel Of Mine

Nothing means more to me than what we share

No one in this whole world can ever compare

When you smile, it's always on my mind

sweet Angel Of Mine

What you mean to me you'll never know

Deep inside I need to show

You came into my life sent from above

When I lost all hope, you showed me love

I'm checkin' for ya and you're right on time

sweet Angel Of Mine

I never knew I could feel each moment

As if it were knew

Each breathe you take, the love for heavens' sake
I only share it with you

When I first saw you I already knew

there was something inside of you

something I thought I would never fine

sweet Angel Of Mine

And Sometimes it's just time

So today I really wanted to talk about something a little bit different. It was really my ah-ha moment... Usually, normally, I'm very well guarded and tend to be accepting of new things. This brings me back to the whole fear of not knowing. Lately, I've been feeling a lot better after I realized how much more pleasant my life is and could be once I've allowed myself to open up a little bit more. Sometimes it's really just time to move on and let go of the things that are holding you back because you're afraid to venture off and create a new family and circle. Well, that is me...That has been me in the past. However, lately I'm finding myself enjoying my surroundings and the people in a little bit more. Sure does make for peace of mind too....to know that you can have that support if you're willing to open yourself up to it. People change, people grow apart, people become new people and well, sometimes it's just time to let go and that's okay too! I won't go into specifics but yeah, so that's my realization and I feel so much better overall now.

This weekend I spent it with a new group of people and it felt very refreshing. I cannot believe that I am finally starting to feel normal again. After all this time! Friday I spent a couple hours and my friends house just visiting her and then ran some errands, lost my wallet, found my wallet and then dealt with a fussy baby the rest of the night. On Saturday I attended a baby shower which turned out to be really nice. It had all the comfort and warmth that I was missing at my own (which almost did bring me to tears) but I guess this goes back to the just sometimes it's time thing..so I let it go. I was just completely amazed by level of friendship, love and support here even though they are essentially new friendships. Just goes to show that things can be good and that there are genuine people in the world. Well it was really nice and we ended the night with a couple drinks at a local sports bar. So not bad for a first full weekend out I must say so myself.

Sunday...we went to the mall and the mission was to find holiday dresses for my husband's Christmas party on Friday. Ummm...why didn't any of you guys warn me about this post partum body and buying clothes??? Ughhh, talk about disgust and frustration. Well, I was more than that actually. It occurred to me that my body really is different now that I've had Mikey. And it occurred to me that I no longer have the true luxury of being able to wear absolutely anything I want. Hell, I couldn't even fit into majority of the clothes. Yeah no kidding!! That's what I said also. And the ones I could fit in weren't actually flattering on me anymore. Oh gosh, the bubble pregnancy gut. You would think that with 32lbs gone already since Mikey that I would be okay...nope. I may have lost all the pregnancy weight but I have lots of work to do still. I mean my body has changed a lot and I never in a million gazillion years thought my pregnancy would do this to me...and leave me with a bodyfat % in the 30's...well that's the realization of it. I'm not that big actually but my bodyfat has completely changed and it's going to take a lot of hard work and commitment to get back to the teen's that I am used to....I'm working on it now!

My realization..truth that is!

First happy Monday to everyone!

What a great week and weekend. I couldn't be anymore pleased with how everything worked out. Thanksgiving turned to be pretty great despite my initial fears that I would sulk in my own sadness and misery for not being able to enjoy the company of family. While I was initially disappointed, I'm also very grateful for being able to spend it with two of the closest people we have here in Atlanta. I know kind of gay to give the what are you thankful for spill...but I realized that sometimes family is about the environment and warmth that you create around yourself...not always blood. Now, having been here for about 2 yrs now, I can finally say that I am started to accept the changes and the new people in my life. Sometimes, it's just about making the best of the situation and by allowing people to come into my life, I've realized how much better and enjoyable it is and has become. Yes, I am grateful for the new family that I formed here. I like the warmth and the reliability of them and I look forward to getting to know each and everyone of them just a little bit better. So yes, turkey day...not so bad after all.

Next on my list of things to address is well....my progress, which all but seems to have stalled. I've been stuck for 3 weeks now and I'm ready now...today to do better again and jump back at it. I think I have been avoiding the next step for way too long. I was just so mentally distraught after my last months of doing this. You ask what is 'this'? Well that is counting, tracking...calories that is. I was hoping to make it to 150lbs without having to do this but as it turns out I am going to need to track sooner than later if I want to see continued progress. Well, that's just the truth of the matter.

YES, I am aware that I cannot diet the way I would normally because I am still nursing and no worries...I really don't intend to. I do, however, intend to track what I am eating daily again and keep my calories at a sustainable amount for continued nursing, all the while still being able to make progress. Having said that, I intend to add 300-400 more calories a day to my targeted calorie range for weight loss. Today will be day 1 of tracking and there is much to be done...food shopping and preparation. Time to get started folks... I mean why wait until New Years to do what you can do now?!




So just do it!!

Meal ideas...Anyone?

Happy Monday everyone!

I just got back from our 1 month checkup. Mikey has already gain 2lbs so he is 9.5lbs now and doing wonderful. We introduced a food to his diet this week (baby cereal) as suggested by my granny and MIL to help put the baby to sleep so that he sleeps longer at night. Seems to be the old school way of thinking and it didn't really work at all. Actually...it didn't work at all. Mikey was still fussy and hardly slept through the night. I did tell his doc about our experiment and well, she said she doesn't recommend it until 4 months of age and then to be fed with a spoon, not in a bottle. It certainly doesn't harm the baby but she mentioned it could cause some food allergies for babies that are given cereal before 4 months of age but that it was not detrimental. Not sure I am going to continue this or not. I'm going to try some other things tonight and try to figure out a different techinque for putting him to sleep. Hopefully something sticks soon because I am tired.

Now about my title...I'm looking for creative meal ideas that are not healthy (does'nt have to be super clean) but something I can easily figure out macros for and that is easy to prepare. Specifically I need some preworkout meal ideas, but also others are appreciated. For all of you that know me, you know how boring my meals are when I am eating well. Thats because its easy for me and easy for me to keep up with, but now I want to branch out and try some other things.

Any ideas/Suggestions??? Remember easy to prepare...I'm no chef or anything. ;)

First day back..

Yesterday marked my first day back in the gym. I was so nervous like a total newbie, but I guess that's to be expected when you haven't stepped foot in the gym in 8 months. I took it easy, no heavy lifting. Just 2 sets of a full body workout which for those that know me, you know that is my least favorite training split. However, for the time being it works because I don't want to push it or overdo anything. Weights are also super light. I mean for the first time ever I found myself glued to the 5-10lb dumbbells but don't worry folks...they were not pink. Haha! Then I finished with 20min of cardio on the treadmil at 2.5 speed and 4.0 incline. Hopefully I can increase all of that a tad bit next week?! When I got home I really felt like death..like maybe I had pushed myself too hard even though I really wasn't doing anything. Today I am feeling much better with just some pain in my lower back that I suspect is residual from my epidural when I had Mikey.

Eats yesterday was more but all good. I didn't go off plan or anything like I did a couple days ago when 3 pumpkin white chocolate cookies found their way into my mouth. I did eat a little bit more though because I was working out and made sure to keep my mouth closed after 1 cookie. haha! Today I'm gonna go a little bit lighter only because I am not planning on working out. I had planned to do cardio but that just isn't happening today. I'm too tired and my back really is annoying me. So onward to eats from yesterday:

Yesterday's Nutrition:
Meal 1: Worldwide pure protein bar
Meal 2: baked tilapia with roasted carrots, potatoes, onions, bellpepper
Meal 3: Myoplex RTD chocolate protein shake
Meal 4: turkey sausage, 1 slice american cheese, bread, 100 cal pack cookies
Meal 5: pork tenderloin, butter garlic crackers
snack: way too many cookies. Oops!

Today's Nutrition:
Meal 1: 2 white cheddar rice cakes, maple peanut butter (unmeasured)
Meal 2: garlic tuna in oil, butter garlic crackers
Meal 3: myoplex rtd protein shake
Meal 4: baked tilapia, mixed veggies (green beans, carrots, corn, peas)
Meal 5: pork tenderloin, mixed veggies, multi-vitamin
snack: 250 cal pumpkin white chocolate cookie

Another reason to celebrate

So I hit my prepregnancy weight which is reason to celebrate in my opinion. I've officially lost the 28lbs that I gained with Mikey in less than 4wks. I guess that's not really saying much if you all knew the backstory. Well, as it turns, I was already up 30lbs when I got pregnant with Mikey. You know....one of the post competition rebound things. Then on top of that I found myself with pregnant and gained almost another 30lbs on top of that. So realistically, I still have at least 30lbs to go to reach my 'normal' weight and my plan is to hit that goal by March/April.

So the first step towards any goal is to have a plan. My plan was to have my first day back in the gym this morning, early this morning. Well I was way too tired because getting up every 3hrs is rough. So now I have figured it out that my gym time will need to be later in the day until Mikey is sleeping well through the night. So I'm feeling pretty darn good and I'm ready to tackle this.

In other news, last week turned out to be a decent one. Little Mike had a bad day on Monday of last week where if you remember, I seriously thought I was going to pull my hair out. Turns out he was just having a bad day which I'm told will happen often in the beginning. The rest of the week though was tiring but much more of a breeze. I even conquered my fears and went out with the baby alone for the first time. Then I did it two additional times. Needless to say, I feel quite comfortable taking him out for the most part now. He did really good all three times and sometimes he cries just because he wants his mommy to hold him. I've read you can't really spoil a newborn baby but he has a lot of moments where he could be dry and fed, yet crying to be held. All in all, I started to enjoy him much more after that first initial breakdown.

For the most part I am just free styling this whole mommy thing and taking one day at a time. I didn't read any books or watch any videos, I'm just using common sense and going with what seems natural. It's a learning process and no one way is the perfect way, and I think I'm doing a good job. I didn't initially think I could do it all and do it all by myself but I am. Mike and I love him so much and we ARE doing it! My mom would be so proud if she could see us now.

Today will be better?!

I have to keep telling myself that or I might in fact go insane. Little man cried all day long. He would be fed and dipe dried and still crying. I have exclusively been breastfeeding and I'm sure that he is getting enough to eat because he is gaining and he has poo diapers at almost every changing. So I was thinking maybe he has colic? Well I don't know but I may call his doctor just for reassurance. In addition to that, the little guy barely slept all day yesterday except for a 2hr stretch and trust me, I was quite relieved because I got to nap as well. He would fall asleep and just as soon as he realizes that he isn't being held that is when he starts crying. He cried and screamed so much yesterday that I was nearly in tears myself by the time hubby got home which was around 8:45pm.

Everyone says it gets easier...Well when? Because this isn't really the fun part of being a SAHM at all. I'd rather be working or if I could have a nanny... I think that would be nice too. I will say that my baby is only 3wks and this is by far harder than having to go to any 9 to 5 job that I ever had. There is like no relief at all....nothing! Gawd...he is such a handful and parts of me can't help but to wonder if it is something that I did to him. Could it really be because I lacked that bonding experience with him when I was pregnant... Honestly, I wasn't really a nice person. Now I feel like he is making me pay for it?!

Moving along and upwards though....

Fitness front:.....still not any exercise happening here but I did want to post up my meals for the day. I know a few people that have been interested in seeing my meals and what I am eating. This is by no means perfect and I have to warn, I am not counting macros at the moment. It's just really eyeballing for portioning. I'm also eating extra things like cheese, bread and butter that I would not normally eat during a regular diet, but hey, I figure I can get away with it now since I am nursing and my body really does need the extra nutrients.

Meal 1: 2 whole eggs, 1.5 slices of real american cheese, 1 tspn butter, turkey sausage, large orange juice
Meal 2: Worldwide Pure protein bar
snack: baked cheeto's LMAO
Meal 3: Turkey hot dog, 1 slice or real american cheese, 1 slice honey wheat bread
snack: 100 cal pack and 1 gummies pack
Meal 4: Chicken thigh, chicken wing, roasted potatoes and carrots with bell pepper and onion
Meal 5: 2 white cheddar rice cakes, maple peanut butter (unmeasured)

So those are my meals and I pretty much eat the same thing every day with some substitutions. I've always been pretty boring when it comes to dieting and try to focus on eating for nutrition rather than taste. I will say though with these foods...they aren't clean by any means and they are very tasty. I enjoy them a lot so I'll probably be eating this for awhile with maybe some changes in my lean meats and adding in more veggies. It works for now and I'm still losing and keeping up with my milk supply at the same time and that's what is important.

Ok chow for now!

Happy Monday

Finally I'm getting a moment to myself. The little pumpkin is sleeping in his swing courtesy of one of his aunt. Last night was rough...I can't complain too much though because it seems like Mikey is on the every 3hrs schedule. Its just that sometimes he is up for a full 2 hrs in the middle of the night right after a feeding so that means that I was pratically getting sleep in 1-2hr incriments. So I was a bit tired all morning but was able to get the little one down for a 2hr nap and then I napped myself after washing his dipes. Now I guess you can say I'm feeling a little bit more rejuvenated. YEAH!!!


Mikey is also 3wks old today and can stand (not by himself), rollover and has even started smiling more and making new noises. Babies really do grow up so quick. He is already so much heavier and bigger than he was when he was born. Both his grandma's called to check up on him today as well, which is really nice. Everyone loves the little pumpkin and here I was all worried about him being lonely having myself come from such a small family, but everyone seems to be taking well to the little guy and seems thoroughly interested in how he is doing.

On the fitness tip:.... I took progress pics!! I know...I know... I said I would post them but really I'm not up for the challenge just yet. I will say that progress is being made and hopefully I will have the courage to go ahead and post them in a few weeks or so.


So far here is the progress:


Weight at labor: 188lbs
Last check in weight: 172.5lbs
Today's weight: 163lbs


So I'm really happy (25lbs I mean come on! ;) ) about where I am especially since I have not been able to workout just yet. My weight did seem to stall for a bit but I just slightly tightened up my diet a little bit more to make sure that I was still progressing. I actually don't know when I will be able to workout. I thought that I was feeling well enough to start this week (on a full body split) but my tummy is still a bit tender and sore. It actually still hurts when I'm holding the little pumpkin and not wearing my post partum belt. So that was actually my quethat I need to take things a little more slowly and not rush things, so thats pretty much where I'm at guys.

Everything happens for a reason..

This takes me way back to a time when I remember going through a lot of hurt and pain. At that time I was into filming and production and this is the name of a song that really pushed me through a rough time in my life, when things were hard, so hard that nightmares rarely escaped me. Now as I sit here typing, I can't help but to relive that time, the memories, the struggle, the heartache.... I've made it through it and I can't help but to think that my little boy happened for a reason. Just when you think there is no point, there all of a sudden is. In my darkest days after my mom's death, leading up to our relocation, heading face foward into new land, motherhood and all the other things that mattered so much then, rarely surfaces now! I wonder, really lingering.. now I feel like I have purpose, a reason to want to get up every single morning and do it all over again. Little Michael saved me and I suddenly feel all the hope, all the promise, all the possibility that got lost and blurred somewhere along the way to me finding out who I am, where I belong and what matters most in the smallest bit of precious time we have! I want to get up and do it all over again for him. So they say... everything happens for a reason. I believe he was/is MY reason!!!

Hmmpph

That about sums up how I'm feeling today as hormonal as it may be. Started the day off taking little Mikey to the pediatrician. He is doing good and is already up to 7lbs 12oz. More the less, to say that today has been a little less than challenging is an understatement (even considering I have some help this week). I guess I just am starting to feel tired and overwhelmed. Hubby went back to work today and the picture looks a bit gloomy being stuck at home with a crying baby all day. Days are longs, nights are already late.

My mind is telling me that it will get easier once the routine is place and baby is sleeping through the night. I sure hope so.... my pelvic still hurts, my face is swollen and eyes sunken. I'm so tired and exhausted. Please tell me I can do this?!

At last...

Well I wanted to come in here to update while I have a little bit of time. Mikey's grandparents will be here to today and I have to finish getting ready for that. So far things are going good except for the lack of sleep. Mikey has taken well to breastfeeding although at times the pain is a bit much, I do still enjoy it. We also started baby cloth this week. He still has a ton of newborn disposables that I have been trying to use but I really do just love him in his little fluffy butt!

Re: Progress....well its going fantastic and I couldn't be happier with the changes my body is going through on a daily basis. I did take starting pictures yesterday that I plan to post in about 2 weeks when I have some comparison photo's. I'm already down 18lbs and expect to be at my prepregnancy weight in a week or 2 at most. I will explain that later in more detail regarding weight gain etc.... I'm hoping to be cleared to begin training again so I'm anxiously awaiting my 6week appointment. Until then diet is all about nutrition and I'm keep things in perspective with what I am eating and the weight is coming off 'without' exercise at the moment. Suprisingly, it hasn't been that much of a transition for me going back to eating healthy (something which was a little short than lackluster during my pregnancy). At the moment I'm really just making sure I get 3 healthy meals in and 2/3 snacks a day. My food is not competition clean because thats not something I plan to starting doing for awhile. When it's time to track and count again I'm sure I'll have many complaints. HA!

Long time coming

I have so much to say but not enough time to say it all. My baby is now 6 days old and I'm feeling and loving every bit of being mommy! I have to admit I was a little bit worried because I lacked the bonding experience that so many mothers have while pregnant. The biggest obstacle for me was and still is dealing with my mother's passing Sept 15, 2007. Having said that, my mind was just spinning and spinning from thoughts on how I would be able to cope with a new baby without her being here and I think a big part of me is upset with myself that I didn't give her a grandchild while she was still here. That's all she wanted, but of course, me and my stubbornness. Now I'm feeling overjoyed with happiness as I sit here expressing candid feelings and emotions, with my baby boy beside me, eyes brightly open, looking at the fairies (Ha! I swear I think he sees angels and fairies, I insist). I love him so so much in a way that I never thought would be imaginable. Imaginable for me to dream for him, care for him and love him. I do! I love my baby boy through the good and the stinky (he is pooping right now rather loudly too I might add :-D)!

So where do I go from here? How do I deal with all the new possibilities that life has brought me and will continue to bring me? I guess like I mentioned in my intro... this is my therapy. I've been through a lot in my lifetime and feel that I need another outlet. So I'll be posting many ramblings as often as I can between learning to balance being a good wife, good mother, my fitness journey and just learning to accept things and not be so afraid of the unknown.

Re: Fitness journey... I know many of you are wanting to follow my transformation from post partum back to stage. I'll be posting transformation info and photo's as often as I can with stats. Right now I have to say though that my focus is on healing and getting back to normal and to loathe in feeling like myself again. I have already cleaned up my diet and my weight is coming of steadily and at a good pace. Since this is the beginning and without pics this is where I am starting from:

Weight at birth: 188lbs
Current weight: 174.5lbs

Goal and Maintenance weight: 132lbs
Competition weight goal: 120lbs

I will try to get some starting pictures up around week 2 or 3 post partum and will start training again when I am cleared. Please... for those of you following along please let me know and share your thoughts and comments with me as well. I will try to be as open and honest as I can so feel free to ask me any questions or make any suggestions. OK signing off for now. Have to go change the little one. :)